How to Become a DJ Parody (CVNT5)


Sup Peasants, read my commentary about the music video below, otherwise skip to the bolded text at the end for my thoughts:

  1. It’s pretty sad that we still live in our mom’s basement. I just want to be rich and famous, how can we do this quick? I know! We’ll just become DJs, it’s so easy and these guys make mad bank. I think our faces are douchey enough.
  2. DAYUMM look how much money these DJs are making!!! We can be the next Calvin Harris. BEST. GET. RICH. FAST. SCHEME. EVER.
  3. I’m not sure how to make music, do we use apps? Or what? Let’s just get a ghost producer. I don’t know any, but we can google everything, right? We can pay him later after he makes us rich and famous.
  4. Next step, we have to practice fake pressing buttons and twisting knobs. I don’t have time to learn that shit. Let’s do it in front of the mirrors so we can make sure we look legitimate, make sure to pump your fist a lot and jump up and down. And don’t forget to scream “EVERYBODY FUCKING JUMP” because that’s what I saw this DJ named Hardwell do and he was Number 1.
  5. We need a name. It has to be something dirty to show we got swag. CUNTS! GDI the domain name is already taken. It’s porn, let’s take a short masturbation break. But back to reality. Let’s just alter “CUNTS” so we’re politically correct, we have to be like deadmau5 and 3LAU and MOTi. We’ll just change the U to a V and the S to a 5! CVNTS. Dang we have the coolest name ever.
  6. Publicize, publicize, publicize. First we’ll upload one song on Soundcloud, that’s how all the DJs get discovered right? I mean, isn’t #SELFIE what put The Chainsmokers on the map? I have a few dollars saved from making sandwiches at the deli in high school, we can buy some Instagram and Twitter followers since no one knows who the fuck we are.
  7. Next, we will just sit back and watch our numbers grow. Our views increase, followers increase, clubs start booking us, then we’re headlining every major festival in the world! It’s just like dominos, no effort necessary. Why didn’t we think of this earlier? I could have been using Heinz ketchup on my hotdogs instead of that generic stuff.
  8. All we need to do now is make money, press some buttons, jump up and down and…have some sort of creative signature stage move. We’ve got the DJs who give champagne showers, the ones who throw cake into the crowd, and the ones who pour Grey Goose into fan’s mouths. We’ll urinate on a really hot girl’s face – it’s unique, it’s different.The chicks will beg for it. Maybe we can invite them behind stage after the show so they can give us blowjobs while their boyfriends watch.
  9. We should start practicing our duck faces and our “I’m rich and I don’t care about other people” looks in our bathroom mirrors. Thus, when the big magazines contact us for photoshoots, we will be ready with our game faces. I can instagram pictures of my face plastered on billboards and tweet articles about me talking about life! It didn’t even take much talent!
  10. The real talents and greats don’t even know who we are. Whatever, I have money.

Despite how humorous the music video is, the underlying topics brought up are not entirely false. Gareth Emery and Ashley Wallbridge intend to mock multiple aspects of the electronic dance music industry that are not widespread, but lead to an overall negative impression by outsiders. Issues such as using ghost DJs, buying Instagram and Twitter followers, fake DJing, being a performer more than an artist, and general hedonism and debauchery are raised in this parody. The few DJs that use these tactics undermine the majority of the other DJs who don’t, giving an overall undesirable reflection of the entire electronic dance music industry as a whole, causing outsiders to lose respect for the “real” DJs. We need to focus on the positive aspects of the industry and remember the multitudes of talented DJs from a diverse range of backgrounds that bring us great music cultivated through talent and hard work. Congrats to Gareth Emery and Ashley Wallbridge on an amazing song!

Check out their hilarious parody Twitter that makes references to real events:


Tritonal feat. Angel Taylor – Getaway (Gareth Emery & Ashley Wallbridge Remix)

Gareth Emery and Ashley Wallbridge who created “Mansion” and one of my personal favorites “CVNT5”, teamed up together to remix Tritonal’s “Getaway” from their new album “Painting with Dreams”

Listen to Tritonal’s podcast Tritonia:

Listen to Gareth Emery’s Electric for Life Podcast:

Like Ashley Wallbridge’s page on Facebook:


Armin @ BKWHS Review

Warehouse vibes!

A post shared by Armin van Buuren (@arminvanbuuren) on

  1. When I heard it was a secret Brooklyn warehouse party, I knew it was going to be good Armin. Two and a half hours of Armin, not just 45 minutes of Armin at a festival. 45 minutes really limits a DJ and they’ll end up playing a bunch of basic songs to appeal to the crowd. I respect him because as his music evolved, similarly to Tiesto, he delved further away from trance especially with his new albums “Intense” and “Embrace.” However, because he had a longer set he was able to incorporate both elements.
  2. There was an outside and inside stage. Of course it rained that day. It’s always like that in NY. It was so appealing to be crowded and trampled inside the venue (Brooklyn Hangar), only to walk outside to stand in the wet mud which was also super crowded. Alternatively, I could escape that to walk into the urine puddle of a portapotty. They said the event would go on rain or shine, but because of the massive rainstorms the outside stage was cancelled.
  3. $6 for a bottle of water. This is a great time for me to invest in a camelbak. Do I want to pay $6 for a drink that hydrates me or $10 for a beer that dehydrates me?  Recommendation to hosts: provide free filtered water at events. People will still pay for bottled water and if someone dies from dehydration, it’s ultimately their fault, but it still makes you look bad. At least there were food concessions. I was genuinely surprised as I’ve never been to a night event where food was being sold.
  4. Paint dropped from the ceiling every time the beat dropped, whether it was into my drink or onto our sweaty bodies, I didn’t know it was paint, I just wondered why there were chunks falling me.
  5. The music was amazing. The lineup was Ruben de Ronde, Khohma, MarLo, and of course the king of trance Armin van Buuren. There was no lack of Armin Jesus throughout the night and the energy in the crowd was high. Going alone as a short girl, I wasn’t able to join the crowd, so I watched from the sidelines to avoid becoming the next headline. I didn’t get to see the lasers or the carbon dioxide cannons or experience the full sensory overload of the show, but I had a great view of Armin’s side and I was able to fangirl him with a spacious spot at the barrier. He mostly looked ahead, but occasionally he acknowledged those on his sides and when I waved to him, he pointed at me – and that is when my heart melted. I know to him that I’m just a random fan girl, but to me he is everything. I personally enjoyed MarLo as well. A lot of people left after Armin’s set, because they wanted to rest before FSOE with Aly & Fila on Governer’s Island the next morning, but not me. Because the crowd became less like sardines and more breathable, I was able to get a spot in the crowd with enough room to dance. MarLo was phenomenal. Not only was the music perfect and synced with the vibes of the warehouse, but the lasers were spectacular. They were able to use the lasers with the carbon dioxide cannons to create a beautiful cloudy sky.
  6. Armin allowed multiple people to join him on stage, including a man who had cerebral palsy. It was a touching moment.
  7. Lastly, RPM Presents, despite you holding so many great events and bringing in so much great talent, it is disgusting how you oversold tickets. I met a guy there who said they barred everyone behind him from getting in. It could have easily been me if I had hit a lot of traffic or if I had a work shift that ended later. These are paying people who were denied admission to a show. Some people make long drives, take off days of work, buy airplane tickets, and go lengths to go to these events. Despite not allowing a number of people to enter the venue, the venue was still crowded regardless.

RPM Presents, get your shit together. I love Armin, but I don’t love Armin so much that I’ll pay for a ticket that only MIGHT get me admission to see him.